After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely.
He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a
woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and
understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam
"what can I get for a rib?"

                            *********

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed
to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband
pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they
could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He
responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

                               *********

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no
longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they
will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1.
There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical
researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys
as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are
some things that rats won't do.

                                *********

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed
laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees
her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what
on earth are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my
doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts
laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he
say about your 65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never
came up."

                                            *********

Think about this:
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATMs?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
How can there be self-help groups?

                    ***********

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the
middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and
grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food
and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat,
thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward
them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it
was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed
the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said,
"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been
doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm
burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here.
Make it a good one." The first guy, blurted out, without thinking,
"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine,"
said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer.
"Great move, Einstein", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in
the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat."

                                  *********

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds
good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the
vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

                                        *********

A woman on her death-bed says to her husband: "Promise me that
your next wife will never wear my clothes". "Hush now", says her
husband comforting. "Firstly you will be better soon and secondly
she's one foot smaller than you".

                                        *********

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way
to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring
the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his
side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a
lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You
got any toilet paper on your side?"

                                    *********

A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" bar tender
says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks,
"got any crackers?" bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck
walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bar tender says,
"I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that
one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck
comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says
no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"