One day Joey asked his grandmother how old she was. His
grandmother said that you should never ask a woman her age. Later
on Joey asked his grandmother again. And his grandmother still
wouldn't tell him. When his grandmother was making dinner, Joey
came in the kitchen and said,"I know how old you are grandma.
You are 61 years old." His grandmother asked, "How did you find
out?" Joey said,"I looked on your driver's liscense. Except I didn't
understand one thing. You failed sex?"

                        *********
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin
arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at
the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he
began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of
mistake. 'I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!' St. Peter agreed
that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates,
and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told
the attorney, 'I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We
verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed
to your clients, and you're at least 108.'

                            *********
The top ten houses to AVOID while Trick-or Treating.
10- Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time
wormhole.
9- Any house made of food.
8- Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.
7- Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right
above it.
6- Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.
5- Any house that growls "get out."
4- Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the
living room floor.
3- Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off
the ground.
2- Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front
yard of people in odd "running away" poses.
1- Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago...

                            *********
How do you keep a blond(e) busy?
Give him/her a bag of M&Ms and ask her to alphabetize them.
Why does that work?
'Does 3 come before E or between M and W?'

                            *********
After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very
lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make
you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you,
and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost
me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said
Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

                    *********

Willie and Ray, a couple of old farmers, met at the town hardware
store on Saturday. "Had some problem with my herd," lamented
Willie. "My prize bull was impotent. But the vet came and gave him
some special medicine, and now he seems to be doing fine." The
next week, Ray met Willie at the store again. "My bull had problems
too," said Ray. "What was that medicine the vet prescribed ?" "I
don't know," answered Wilie. "But it tastes like chocolate."

*********
Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
Why does everybody have a hot water heater in their house, when
you don't need to heat hot water?
Why do women have a pair of underwear, but just one bra?
If the police arrest a mime, do they say he has the right to remain
silent?
What keeps glue from sticking to the inside of the bottle?
If a duck goes in the water right after he eats, does he get cramps?

                                *********
When Bozo the clown retired, he decided to take a trip around
the world. His travels led him deep into cannibal country. Sweet,
trusting Bozo didn't see the club that hit him! Later that evening,
the cannibals sat around the fire resting after their supper. "Is it
just me," the chief asked after a loud burp, "or did that clown
taste funny?"

                                        *********
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he
says: "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the
garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you
the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

*********
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun
and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.