Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on
four
decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the
bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in
Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping
in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
*********
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon
to cross
the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says 'Harry,
we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.' Harry
lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, 'I still can't tell
where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.' So Harry yells
down to the man, 'Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where
we are?'
The man on the ground yells back, 'You're in a balloon 100 feet
up in the air.' George turns to Harry and says, 'that man is a
lawyer.' 'How can you tell?', inquires Harry. George answers,
'Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless.'
*********
On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon
as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here,
I should be in third grade!'
The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please
take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up
again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third
grade!' Larry did this a few more times before the principal came
along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal
and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer
some questions that they could decide in which grade he
belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the
state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think
of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions...
'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the
teacher.
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied.
'What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked
the teacher.
'Pockets!' said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should
be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'
*********
After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is
time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the
Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered,
'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief
description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a
nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said,
'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that,
and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord,
what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description
and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few
minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was
even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want
you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making
love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went
to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two
seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
*********
God is worn out, so he tells St. Peter, 'You know, I need a
vacation. Got any suggestions about where I might go?'
St. Peter thinks, and then says, 'How about Jupiter? It's nice this
time of year.'
God says, 'No, too much gravity on Jupiter, it hurts my back.'
St. Peter says, 'OK... Hmmm. How about Mercury?'
God says, 'No way! It's way too hot on Mercury for me.'
St. Peter exclaims, 'I've got it! How about going to earth for your
vacation?'
God says, 'Are you kidding? I went there 2,000 years ago, and
had an affair with some Jewish girl, and they're still talking about
it!'
*********
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect together was, of course,
perfect. One snowy, Eve, this perfect couple were driving their
perfect car (a Jeep Cherokee) along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the
perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with
a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the
eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into
their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman survived.
She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone
knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling****.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: women never listen, either.
*********
A fellow walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the
waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen
buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left?
They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And
that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at
Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time
champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame.
Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell
your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't
want to have to explain it 5 times."
*********
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit
embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and
her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was
any way that they could make it appear that they had been
married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the
suitcases!"
*********
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in
order to get into Heaven, they would each have to each answer
one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name
of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie
about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.
Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.
"1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
*********
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need..
