Every afternoon this guy goes into the bar and orders 4
shots of
scotch at the same time, then proceeds to drink them all. One
day the bartender asks him why he orders all 4 at once and the
guy replies that he has 3 brothers who do the same thing every
day at the same time so that they can all have a drink together no
matter where they are. One day the guy comes in and only orders
3 shots. Well the bartender thinking the worst asks the guy if one
of his brothers had passed away. The guy laughs and says "No
it's me, I quit drinking."
*********
After dying this cat walked up to the Pearly Gates where he met St
Peter. St Peter says to the cat, "During your time on earth, you were
a good little cat. You kept your masters house & barn free of pests,
and for this faithful service, you get one wish for anything you would
particularly like. The cat thinks for a moment before replying, "Well,
my master had this satin pillow that I loved, so I would like a satin
pillow just like that one. St Peter replies, "Go on through you'll find
it waiting." A little while later a group of field mice appear at the
Pearly Gates. St Peter greets them saying, "During your time on
earth you were good little field mice. You kept the other pests from
destroying the farmers crop, so as a reward you may have anything
you like in heaven." The field mice converse briefly before one steps
forward and says,"The farmers children had roller skates, and they
looked like a lot of fun, so that's what we'd like." St Peter replies,
"Go on through you 'll find them waitng." A while later St Peter was
strolling through Heaven when he came across the cat who was
sitting on his satin pillow purring contentedly. "So how are you
enjoying Heaven?" St Peter inquired. "Oh, it's wonderful," answered
the cat, "This pillow is just divine, even better than the one I had in
Earth, and the Meals on Wheels, *kisses his paw* Nice Touch."
*********
There was a blonde driving down a road in her brand new, green
Mustang. She was driving behind a big semi, she wanted to drive
faster (because it was a new sports car and everything), so she
started to get right on the semi's tail. This angered the semi driver,
he motioned for the blonde to pull over. They both pulled over
and the semi driver got out of his truck and drew a big cirle on
the road with his chalk. He told the blonde to stand in the middle
of the circle until he told her to get out. She did as she was told.
The semi guy started to beat up the brand new Mustang! He beat
it up until it was only a big heap of green metal. He turns to the
blonde and says, "So what do you have to say to that?" She
replies with laughter. He screams at her, "What are you laughing
at?" "Well," she answers, "When you weren't looking I stepped
out of the circle!"
*********
Ways to tell you've been drinking too much:
1. Don't recognize wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass
2. That damn pink elephant followed you home again
3. You're as jober as a sudge
4. The shrubbery is drunk from too frequent watering
5. You fall off the floor
6. You hold on to the ground to keep from falling up
*********
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family
here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they
wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing
machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I
haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days
the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to
send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this
morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't
know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was
already sealed.
*************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing
all
mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved
so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a
small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
proudly stated, 'This is where your problem is!' The part was
replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his
charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
*********
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy
decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is
greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home
from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to
school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The
mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come
give your FATHER a big hug."
*********
One day a woman was walking to her favorite cafe in San
Fransisco on her lunch break when she saw a lamp resembling
the one in "Aladdin" laying in an alley. She picked it up and
rubbed it and sure enough out came a genie. The genie told her
that she would grant the woman one wish. After thinking for a
good five minutes the woman said, "I want a bridge to be built
from San Fransisco to Hawaii so I can drive there every
weekend." The genie responded, "From San Fransisco to
Hawaii?!?! Do you know how long it would take to build that,
and how much taxes would go up on repairs, and how many
people would have to work on it each year....." the genie went on
and on when finally the woman interupted, "Okay, okay, I'll make
another wish!!" The genie was ecstatic, "Thank you SOOO
much!!" After thinking for a few minutes the woman told the
genie, "I wish to be able to understand the male brain, to know
why they do what they do." Within seconds the genie responded,
"Would you like that bridge two lanes or four??"
*********
R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers
asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's
license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that
Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in Miami,
Florida.
*********
A man goes to see his doctor and finds out some bad news.
The
doctor tells him that he needs a brain transplant. The doctor explains
that he can receive a man's brain for $100,000 or he can receive a
woman's brain for $30,000. Being a bit confused the man ask, why
is the woman's brain so much cheaper? The doctor replies, because
the woman's brain is used
