A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send
help! My wife's
going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!"
*********
A physician who did house calls in a far-out rural area, went to the
house of a woman who was about to give birth.
The house had no electric lights, so he lit a kerosene lamp and
asked the 6 year old child to hold it up for him so he could see what
he was doing.
After a short while, the woman gave birth. The doc cut the cord,
cleaned out the mouth of the baby and then hit it on the behind to
get the baby breathing.
The little girl who watched every part of the birth said: "Hit that
baby again. It had no business crawling up in there!"
*********
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Fill the tank with petrol
Q: Have you heard about the new Yugo convertible?
A: Researchers have found that if you tow it past 60, the top flies off.
Q: How can you get a Yugo to do 60 miles an hour?
A: Push it over a cliff.
Q: What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Yugo?
A: Passengers.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster?
A: A towtruck.
Q: Why does a Yugo have a heated rear window?
A: So you hands won't get cold while you're pushing it.
*********
There is a blond driving through the country. She has just died her
hair brown because she is sick of being made fun of. She is really
hungry. She stops at a farmers house and says "Hi! If I can guess
how many sheep you have, can I have one?" Farmer says ok. She
quickly counts them and says "91!" The farmer looks around
puzzeledly and says "Ok. Take one." When the Blond is walking
back to her car the farmer asks "If I can guess your natural hair
color, can I have my dog back?"
*********
A Christmas tree # A Woman
10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees
you have had in the past.
9. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
6. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
4. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the
curb and have it hauled away.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
2. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
1. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in
the back of your pickup truck.
*********
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How
do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck
here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest
bidder?"
*********
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange
eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car
wax. What will happen to her?" Eventually" said the Doctor, "she
will rise and shine!"
*********
Fred goes to a doctor and says, 'Doc, I want to be castrated.' Doc
says, 'Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your
motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation.' Fred:
'Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little embarassed about
talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?'
Doc says, 'Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I
don't understand it, but OK.' He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick,
and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. 'Well, Doc,
how'd it go?' Fred asks. 'It went fine, just fine. It's really not too
difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay
for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much.
So while I was operating I also noticed that you had never been
circumsized, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it's really
better for a man to be circumsized, and I hope you don't mind my
...' 'CIRCUMSIZED!' yells Fred. 'THAT'S the word!'
*********
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8 p.m. As the man threw on
his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she none the less
complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have
you been?" Demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon and I fell asleep."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You're lying! You've
been playing golf!"
*********
There were these 2 friends, best of buddies. One was quite the
party type who owned a Parrot, the other was not...(matter of fact
he was a quite polite, non-swearing type.) One day the owner of the
Parrot came to his buddy and announced that he had accepted a
job overseas, and to his dismay, he would not be allowed to take
the Parrot with him. He asked his buddy if he could care for his
Parrot while he was gone. Reluctantly, the buddy said yes,
(knowing the Parrot's bad habit of using foul language on a regular
basis). On the first day, all was well. The Parrot was happy and
kind. On the second day..the buddy asked the Parrot how he was
feeling. Immediately, the Parrot let out a string of expletives that
would make a truck driver blush. Since this was not acceptable
behavior, the buddy became very angry and put the Parrot in his
kitchen cabinet to teach him some respect. After a few minutes of
wing flopping and screaming,then silence, the buddy let the Parrot
out. He asked the Parrot if he had learned his lesson. The Parrot
replied again with another slew of expletives. The buddy (being
aggravated himself) decided to put the Parrot in the freezer, hoping
he would learn a lesson. After 5 minutes of non-stop wing beating
and squawking, the Parrot fell silent. The buddy opened the freezer
and the Parrot quitely climbed down his arm. When asked if he had
learned his lesson, the Parrot replied, " Oh Yes Sir", very politely.
"But...Sir, may I ask you but one question"? "Why of course"
replied the buddy.... The Parrot answered with "What did the
Chicken do"?
***********
There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a
Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie
pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets
one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he
wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would
like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone. Then the
genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I
also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home
too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish
guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other
two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the
German and Swedish guys came back.
*********
This salesman selling vacuum cleaners is going from door to door
trying to flog them to unsuspecting housewives. He goes to this
new estate hoping to have some luck there.
Carrying his cleaner up to the door and holding a bunch of goodies
in his other hand, he knocks on the door.
"Excuse me madam," meanwhile pushing his way in the door. He
quickly empties the goodies he has all over the lady's plush new
wool carpet, including shit, gravel, dirt and an array of other crap.
Then he pronounces:"The cleaners that I am about to sell you here
are so good that if it doesn't clean that crap off your carpet I vow
that I will eat it!"
The lady furious with the mess replies,"Well you stupid salesman,
would you like sauce with that because we haven't got the power on
yet!"
*********
Two Missouri boys are playing football when one of the boys is
attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy
rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar,
and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A Kansas City Star reporter hears about the incident and rushes
over to interview the boy. "Young Chiefs Fan Saves Friend From
Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Chiefs fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we
are in Missouri I just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he
starts again. "Rams Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he
jots in his notebook.
"I'm not a Rams fan either," the boy responds. "I assumed
everyone in the state of Missouri was either for the Chiefs or the Rams.
What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Denver Broncos
fan." the boy says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little
Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
*********
A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars,
insured them against theft, loss, and fire. After he had smoked
them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance
company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing
the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.
The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had
insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the
man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him
arrested ..... for arson.
*********
Two atoms are walking down the street...
Then the one says to the other.
1st-Hey I've Just lost an electron
2nd-Are you sure??
1st-Yes I'm positive...!!!!!
