It's all about lawyers!!
"It was so cold last week that I saw several lawyers with their hands
in their own pockets."
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer
two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"
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Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
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10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
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A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little
boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"
Boy: (whisper) "He's busy."
Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."
Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The police department."
Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the
fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house,
and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
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Have you ever asked yourself these questions?
Why does everybody have a hot water heater in their house, when
you don't need to heat hot water?
Why do women have a pair of underwear, but just one bra?
If the police arrest a mime, do they say he has the right to remain
silent?
What keeps glue from sticking to the inside of the bottle?
If a duck goes in the water right after he eats, does he get cramps?
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I was cutting hair one day when a guy comes into my shop with a
bandage around his neck. I put him in the chair and asked what
happened. In a low raspy voice he said " yesterday I was playing
golf with my mother in law. On the second hold she sliced her ball
way over into a cow-pasture. She REALLY hates to loose a ball
so we looked, and we looked, and we looked. There was no ball
in sight. Just an old ugly cow. She screamed " I'm not leaving till I
find that ball". After another usless search I passed by the cow and
decided "what the hell" so I lifted the cows tail and sure enough
there was a ball stuck there. I called my mother in law over and
said " does this look like yours" and she hit me in the throat with a 7
iron...........
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One day there were three people.their names were Manners,
Trouble, and Shut up.One day they were playing hide and seek.
Manners got a tummy ache so he went to the toilet. Trouble was
hidding. Shut up was findding trouble when he met a police man.
The policeman: what is your name?
Shut up: shut up!
The policeman: are you looking for trouble?
Shut up: yes!
The policeman: where are your manners?
Shut up: in the toilet.
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Top 10 things to say about a holiday gift you don't like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity
1.) I really don't deserve this.
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I now know why I'm always so tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of vitaminsn, iron
poor blood, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found
out the real reason. :I'm tired because I'm overworked.
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The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do
the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two
people to :do he work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading your E-mail.
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The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a biologist. He
was happy to tell me of his job. He is a specialist in mixing the
species, he focuses on birds : his first experiment was to mix a
pheasant and a hen. He called it a Phen... After a while he came
home very proud of beeing the first in the world to be able to mix a
pheasant and a goose. He called it a ... Phoose. Yesterday he
explained to me that he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a
duck ... He called it ... Charlie !
