It so happens that the Pope and Gary Hart died at the same time.
There was a mix-up, and the Pope was sent to Hell and Hart went
to Heaven. Of course, Satan immediately realized the error. He was
quite displeased, so he set about to rectify the situation at once.
Nevertheless, relations between Heaven and Hell being what they
are, it took a full day for the trade to be arranged. When the Pope
heard he was going to Heaven after all, he was much relieved, but
being the caring soul he was, he was worried that Gary would be
upset at the change. So when they met halfway, the Pope said,
"Mr. Hart, I know you must be very disappointed, but you know I
did live eighty years of a clean life bound to God, so that I could
claim my Reward and kneel at the feet of the Virgin."
And Gary, grinning, replies, "Well, Your Holiness, I'm afraid you're
a little too late for that!"
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty"
stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next
time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in
protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class
the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the
lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in
France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the
door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the
next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

                                *********

"That's real a beautiful fur coat," a friend remarked, "but don't you
pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"
The women replied, "Why are you suddenly worried about my
husband?"
                                *********

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: They think we care.

                                *********

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside
a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off,
"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That
was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder
reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month.
What do you say to that?"
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen
reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a
day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure,
once a day!
Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same
cow!"

                                ***********

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

                                  ***********

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the
50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way
down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is
this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She
passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man
replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you
didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied,
"They're all at the funeral."

                                   *********

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it
down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The
man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies
the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says
"Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies
"No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

                                       *********

So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano
and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts
playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool,
Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I
got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's
great could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe
rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million
bucks".
Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe
exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill
explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really
asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

                                *********

What about Men?
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
                             *********
Q: Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for
40 years?
A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for
directions.
What about Women?
Q: How do you know that a fax came from a blonde??
A: There is a stamp on it.

                               *********

Q: What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back!