A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards
further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir.
We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow
into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have astma. If
I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come
along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't
do that. I have anaemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed
to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards
along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why
not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".

                            *********

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

                                *********

If you think that English is easy to learn for foreigners, well think
again after you read these. You won't be able to read these without
smiling.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to
hope for.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven
city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manger has personally passed all the
water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner : Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

                                        *********

There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a
Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie
pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets
one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he
wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would
like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone. Then the
genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I
also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home
too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish
guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other
two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the
German and Swedish guys came back.

                                    *********

A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot.
"Hey honey" she called to her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can
you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Kenmore repairman?"
A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the
dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like... the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.
A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner...
the oven broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"
A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I
noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did
it cost?"
"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he
agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him
a cake."
"What kind of cake did you make him?"
"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

                        ***********
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano
and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and
starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar
stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says"
well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says
that's great could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp.
Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a
million bucks". Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking
ducks! Joe exclaims"Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! Not
DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't
think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

                                        *********

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it
down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The
man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies
the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says
"Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies
"No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

                                        *********

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were
five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way
you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three
women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone,
the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone,
which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

                                     *********

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the
passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and
you can go to the lab and get some work done."

                                *********

... In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast
as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all
know, kills off brain cells. Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first. As a result, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain
a faster and more efficient machine....