A man and a woman are standing at a cocktail party when the
woman remarks, "You know, you look just like my third husband."
"How many times have you been married?" asks the man. Twice,"
replies the lady.

                            *********

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out
and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and
waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad,
there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even
feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son
said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in
that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman .
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's
eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

                                    *********

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily
functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every
morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and
I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have
a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight
I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"

                                *********

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to
fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went
to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He
had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he
said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss,                                             "But where were you yesterday?"

                ***************

A guy is having breakfast when his wife comes on down and is mad
as hell at him.He asks why she's mad... She says that she found a
piece of paper with the name MARILU on it..He pauses and says:
Honey that is a tip on a horse that ran last week at the track when
he went with his friends,she calms down somewhat. Next morning
she comes down really mad this time and starts slapping him he
asks what the hell got her so mad this time; she says                                                           THE HORSE JUST CALLED YOU.

                            *********

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by
his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his
lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen,
shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with
just one chair."

                             *********

A chemical engineer, an accountant and a government worker are
arguing about who has the smartest dog. The engineer calls his dog
and says "Liter, do your stuff." Liter goes to the lab, grabs a beaker
in his mouth, sets it on the floor, grabs a pitcher of water and pours
exactly four ounces of water into the beaker, without spilling a drop.
The accountant smiles and says, "Good, but watch this. He calls
his dog and says," Abacus, do your stuff". Abacus goes to the
kitchen, pulls out a bag of cookies, opens it and counts out six,
which he arranges on a piece of paper, without breaking or eating
any. The government worker sneers and yells out "Coffee Break, go
for it." Coffee Break come in, eats the cookies, drinks the milk,
takes a dump on the paper, sexually molests the other dogs,
complains that in
doing so has strained his back, lodges a hazardous working
conditions complaint, files for disability and goes home on sick
leave.

                                        *********

This lady got home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!" The husband says "Oh wonderful! Should I
pack for the beach or the mountains?" She then replies, "I don't
care...Just get the hell out!"

                                        *********

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him
into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to
make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices
a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at
it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my
father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says,
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."