A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards
further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir.
We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow
into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have astma. If

I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come
along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't
do that. I have anaemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed
to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards
along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why
not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".
 
                                        *********

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?                                                                   Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."
 
                             *********

There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a
Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie
pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, ea&ch one gets
one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he
wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would
like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone. Then the
genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I
also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home
too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish
guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other
two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the
German and Swedish guys came back.

                            *********

A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer stopped getting hot.
"Hey honey" she called to her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can
you fix it?" "Who do I look like... the Kenmore repairman?"
A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Hey Honey, the
dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like... the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.
A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey... I can't fix dinner...
the oven broke. Can you fix it?"
"Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"
A few weeks later the husband said to his wife, "Hey honey. I
noticed you got all that stuff around the house fixed. How much did
it cost?"
"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next door. Well, he
agreed to do all the repairs for free if I'd sleep with him or bake him
a cake."
"What kind of cake did you make him?"
"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

                       ************** 

Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter
says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are
welcome in heaven under one condition" The man say "What's
that?"
St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he
is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He
tells
the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he
must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know,
his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing
there?
She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an
accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have
to
spell one word first before you come in to heaven.
She asks "What's that?"
He says "Spell Czechoslovakia

                                *********

A man has been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on
his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls
flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This
time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next
morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. 'So, you've
been out drinking again!!' 'How did you know?' he asks.
'The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.'

*********

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .
600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!
Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me:
"Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

                            *********

Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone
has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the
White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and
handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff
and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director
calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he says.
"The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the
bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the director
replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!"