A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife
can't hear him.
"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.
"I have no idea", says the husband.
"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say
something. If she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same
thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does
hear you. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up
vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.
From 10 feet, same thing.
From 5 feet, same thing.
Finally he's standing right behind her ... "What's for dinner?"
She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ...
BEEF STEW!"
*********
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out
and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like
to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about
getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you
talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
*********
Hopkins, a mummy`s boy, was sent to levy. After a month working
there his father died. The General told the official to tell Hopkins the
bad news, and asked him to be very keen about it, since Hopkins is
a very sensitive man. The official told him not to worry, as he knew
how to deal with certain situations. The official, with a commanding
and powerful voice said to Hopkins : "Hopkins, your father is
dead!!!!!!!!!!" Hokpins cried and cried for a whole month after this
news. Three months after Hopkin`s mother died, and the general
wanted to say himself the bad news. The official insisted that he
should give him the bad news. After hesitating a little, the general
agreed, but told him to be more keen. The official lined up his
soldiers and in a commaning voice he yelled : "All soldiers that have
their mother alive; two paces forward" "HOPKINS, where are you
coming?????"
*********
Four surgeons were taking a coffe break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate
on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The
second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You
openthem up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The third
said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
andeverything inside is color-coded. The fourth one said, "I like to
operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their
heads and their ass are interchangable."
*********
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almandine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds
good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
*********
Does your organization struggle with the problem of
properly fitting
people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put
them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone
for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go
back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in
Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to
Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales.
*********
You must be burned out if..
10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,
"Get off my back, b***h!"
8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the
Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for
me..."
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to
sleep because you just don't care.
6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your
dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
4. You sleep more in class than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.
2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
Monday.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
*********
You are a nerd if:
-If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires
-If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster
you own turns bread into charcoal
-If you have more toys than your kids
-If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
-If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
-If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
-If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
-If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you
rush up to the front to fix it
-If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
-If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery
channel and have seen most of the shows already
*********
An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee
sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice:
"I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself
pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped. You
should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his
department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk.
The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I
see you followed my advice?". "I did", answers the employee, "It
was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".
*********
A blonde bombshell walks into the airplanes and sits in 1st Class
and the stewardess asks her for her ticket...The stewardess tells
her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, "Im a cute
looking blonde and i'm flying first class." The stewardess replys that
she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....the blonds then retorts, "I'm a
cute blonde and i'm flying first class". Just then the captian happened
by and asked what was happening....the blonde tells him, "I'm a
cute blonde and I'm flying first class to Atlanta....The captian
whipers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in
the coach cabin...The stewardess asks the captain what he said to
get her to move so fast.. He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not
going to atlanta."
*********
There were two little boys sitting on the street corner
and one little
boy says to the other: "My butt is asleep."
The other boy answers, "I know, I just heard it snore."
*********
The Blonde and the Job Interview
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts
with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before
replying....... "Ehhhh... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her
handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the
tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and
announces ....."Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics;
something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen
seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying
......."Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What
were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that
song,...... 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".
*********
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall it's series of stamps
depicting famous lawyers ?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
*********
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the
switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you
have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you
please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"
*********
The richest man in the world knew he was going to die and he
wanted to set up his three children in business. He asked his oldest
son what he wanted to do. The boy said he liked cars, so dad
bought him General Motors. Then the dad asked his daughter what
she wanted to do. She said she liked talking on the phone, so dad
bought her AT&T. Now the youngest was only six years old, but
dad knew he would understand. The boy said he wanted a Mickey
mouse outfit, so dad bought him the Dallas Cowboy.
